My friends always tell me that I love too easily or that I need to protect my heart better. It’s true- I love pretty relentlessly, fall in love easily, and extend love to people without a second thought or “when they don’t deserve it”.
Love connects me to the infinite part of me. Love is not the absence of hate. This life is the refinement, the uncovering, the movement towards, the molding of what is to come. Love is the passion that conditions the soul for the eternal.
I feel a pull to fight against this part of me that craves love and the eternal. In this world, we are told to protect our hearts from hate, fear, evil, rejection, and heartbreak. But these are the things that point us to love like an arrow on a path.
Grief and heartbreak are equally the cost and the trophy of love. It is when we can say wholeheartedly, “I won“. Love triumphs to infinity.
Life is full of finite games, where the prize is money, fame, happiness, and approval. But the real prize comes when we tap into our infinite part of ourselves, when we quench the longing of our soul, when we commit to love.
Love is defined or built throughout our life based on the people and experiences surrounding us. For me, love was first defined by an addict- my mother. Love was meant to be unconditional, but it was particularly expected or demanded when it was “needed” most (basically when my mom did something horrible like hurt someone or me). I had to love most when I was rejected most. Now, when I feel rejection, I innately have this urgency to fight for the relationship and extend love. Love was next defined- more so redeemed- by God. I met Him and fell in love with Him at the age of 10. He continues to fill me up and show me how to extend unconditional love in a way that is eternally significant.
I can imagine I am not alone in this fear of “missing it”. “It” being the guy, the glance, the date, the sale, the train, the deadline, the promotion, the golden hour, the opportunity, the idea, the healing, the chance, the breakthrough. I believe the lie that I am going to miss “it”, then my life will be second best or sub par. Then, I will have to go to Plan B. Then I might miss it again and have to go to Plan C.
What would be possible if I not only believed but embodied this idea that I am exactly where I need to be in each moment– never late and never early but right on time? And instead of running around all of the bases, what would be possible if I took each step with intention and chose to see the beauty in the journey? Maybe Plan B is just as great or maybe it doesn’t even exist at all. This moment is my destiny.
We live in a world where if you don’t have a plan, you are simply immature and have no direction- you’re useless. But lately plans have seemed binding and lacking fluidity or flow. There is this post-grad constriction to a normalized mold or ideal of “having it all figured out”.
If I spend the rest of my life scared of a second-best life and always feeling this pressure to arrive but never settle, there will be no rest and no ease. There will never be enough- enough of anything. I am always living Plan A- right here on this yoga mat, in this park, breathing in this air. I am exactly where I need to be exactly as I am. I have arrived to my destiny. I can rest and move on this journey. From this place, I can expand and breath and love and lighten and find joy.